Sunday, November 22, 2009

never walk away









mummy-beta khanemein kya banau??
me-yellow daal aur chawal...
mummy -tu roz 1 hi cheez bolta hai....fir kehta hai mummy health nhi ba
nti
me-to kya hua itne tym se ghar ka khana jo nhi khaya...
aur aapko nhi banana to pucha kyu...
aap kuch bhi bnao main kha lunga kaha to hai aapko..
..
jaao main nhi khata....i loved these fights..

roz ki tarah aisi hi kisi baat pe lad rha
tha...
then my fon rang....
love story by taylor swift that was the tone that was set for jaanvi
i instantly knew that it was her...that was her favourite song...
ohh her sweet voice always cheered me up...
and knowing that it was her call ....a sweet smile came instantly...


but nothing is permanent.....
all things happen once for the first time
and in her case that day was 2day..
hello mukul....
her voice seemed so much tensed.....
so low ....she was crying i thought...

hey jaanu kya hua ??
she paused for a while
i again asked kya hua jaanu btao plz...
u der...
yeah
some guys are troubling me....

where are u?
in the park ..she said

try to avoid ..be calm ..have patience..
i'll be there for u in 5 min..
don't worry i am leaving now...

mummy mujhe khana nhi khana...aap khalo ...
main ja rha hu bye .......
mom-kaha ja rha hai beta ....khana to khake ja....ban gye hai tere dal chawal..
khane se nhi ruthte kitni baar kaha hai tujhe....nhi khana abhi jana hai bye..

mukul......... mukul.........
.voices dissappeared....

i called ashu instantly while running....
ashu bhai i need help..i am in trouble ....urgently...now ...can't expla
in......
just come to park..call evryone u knw....come fast ...i am on my way....
disconneted

i called many of my friends living nearby.....
and asked them to come too...many of them never beleived me in these situations because i am a real prankster..but today everyone agreed to come
..dnt knw why..may be because they were my friends ..and sensed that i really need help...i was running faster than i evr runned in my life...
i never ran that faster...never in a race..never away from anyone...

may be running towards love is far more better
than running away from ur fears
thats so obvious nothing is more than ur love
love is life

its so obvious to run faster to get ur life rather than saving ur life
.

neways i was running really fast...faster than i ever could..as i told earlier also
never in my life trees and traffic passed so quickly..
i was literally flying ...and with that all things around me too..
all sounds seemed so strange...seemed so loud...
really annoying..more irritating than mo
ving heavy iron benches..
my mind was fully occupied with her...
i couldn't smell anything...couldn't even breath properly.....
noise were like as if someone was waking u up by playing a really irritating instrument.......

the blood never tasted like that.....

suddenly i realised that i have met with an accident .....
waah bhagwan aaj hi maarna tha
but for her i can fight with anyone....
even u god.even myself........
immediately i stood up ...ignoring all the dust
ignoring all the pain....
ignoring all the blood ...

i stood up ,,almost came back to my senses...
only to listen that saale itna hi bhagna hai to olympic mein ja....
marne ka itna hi shauk hai to kahin aur jaake marr ...mere aage kyun marr rha hai

and it went on..

i imstantly grabbed his collar...told him
if i am not saying anything that doesn't mean that i can't say nethng...
u better shut up and told him that watever u r riding has brakes..
and they are meant to be applied at the ryt moment....
while saying this i sat behind him and
asked him to leave me to the my destination...being afraid of me....and the crowd that started gathering around us.he started his bike and i reached my destination....
i said thank u and started searching her.......

what the hell ...this park never seemed so big...
seemed as if it was a .maze,a bhool bhulaiya...
seemed as if i was in a jungle.....and i was searching for a special tree....

i was running and heard her voice....

mukul

i stopped and turned around....

i couldn't beleive this....

what? how?where?why??

each and every question surrounded me..........

i breathed for a while...my hands on my knees almost bent down completely..
and i felt so tired ....so exahausted.....couldn't dare to look at her .....

actually i didn't wanted to look her at that tym......
really i loved her ....i love her smiles..

i loved her laughter ......
but at that time i just didn
't wanted to face her....


she was standing their alone




but




for my surprise she was smiling.....
laughing actually....


it was joke ....


not on me .....??
who else then??


i didn't mind it all
after all she was my jaanu
because her smiles were all that mattered to me.
i went closer....looked into her eyes ....
i was drowned ....
she was just laughing and laughing....
i loved her laughter...
i loved her bubbliness... i came to knew that i 'll remain happy with her forever
and as soon as she noticed me ..
all her smiles ....all her laughs....all the charm ......all that i was loving at that time vanished in not more than a second......

she came closer to me ....she looked at me ...she almost started crying..
she was like why do u love me so much???
what happened???she was just so afraid of all that blood....
and the hand of mine that she holded was swollen ....
it was fracture i realised it when she holded it .....
but i loved the way she did ....
i just couldn't resist the touch....
alll the pain started vanishing ....and at the same time was hurting like hell
my heart felt broken
i felt shattered within myself.
she said i am sorry....she kept on saying sorry.....she was saying all those things that i never wanted to hear from her.....i just felt like running away ..
i just wanted to ask her y?

it happens to all of us many times when someone asks us not to cry ...
u feel more like crying...u feel more broken....tears roll out more easily...and with the flow that is simply unstoppable....

something like that happened to me to...

except for tears .........
something happened to me
all the linkin park song started playing in my head ...
the one in which they scream especially.....

be it runaway ....
pushing me away....
numb...
they all were going on in my mind
each and every negativity surrounded me

can't u see that u r smothering me??
i wanna runaway??
why i never walked awy??
leave me alone??

but there was a sweet little avril whose voice came from within too

no not the one who is complicated

but the one who wanted me to be with her.
who wanted me to stay
who never wanted me to go away
who wanted me to hold on ......
who just wanted to hold my hand
forever and always
who just wanted me to stay

she was constantly asking for apology....
obviously as i told i was not hurt
not really xactly,but to be true
i was,
though it was ok

i said something that left a deep impact over me ..
and i feel ki she too must have felt that way too...

I'LL FORGIVE U
I HAVE FORGIVEN
I'LL FORGET
I HAD FORGOTTEN

BUT

WILL U BE ABLE TO FORGET??
WILL U BE ABLE TO FORGIVE URSELF??

I DON'T KNOW Y BUT those words HURTED ME LIKE HELL
y i said ??how could i ???
i never meant what i said

but i did

and gave my fon to her
and asked her to tell every1 that its ok now ..
everything perfectly ok now

i went back
i left her .....i left her alone.....i left her
i left her crying
i needed time
wanted to be alone for sometime
i ran back at much more faster rate


with each and every step i felt as if i am going thousand miles awy from her
but i kept on running
alone


my steps guided my head..
mujhe nhi pta tha main kisse bhaag rha hu??
kyu aur kaha ....?
nthng i knew

i went straight to the hospital......
called my dad and asked him to come...
i told him that frnd of mine has met with an accident and i need help...
obviously i couldn't tell the truth...
that it was me who has met with an accident..bekaar mein tension ho jati unhe...
so it was better to call him and tell him later on what has happened...while i was waiting for him ...i thought of calling jaanvi...i called her from the pco..as my fon was with her..i called her up but she didn't picked it up..i called her on the landline and her mom picked it up...i was a bit nervous but she knew that i was just a friend..she said jabse ayi hai ro rhi hai ....room se bhi nhi nikal rhi ..na hi gate((room ke door ko darwaza kehte hai,aur main door ko gate,ye mujhe nhi pta tha thnx richa didi)) khol rhi hai so se was not opening her room's door(its ok now didi?)...she asked me whats the matter....ab kya bolu aunty senti sa dialogue maara tha??obviously puri baat to nhi bta sakta...i just told her i hav met with an accident and she must be upset for me only...she reluctantly accepted that that was the reason ..haan kyun nhi tere accident pe itna royegi na vo...still she beleived me...she asked me to take care...and the conversation ended..

i sat on the hospital chair ...waiting for papa...while waiting i came across my wildest imagination..my worst nightmare...
i never dared to think of that ....whenever something of that kind occurred i tried to avoid it....what it was???
i just thought of the time when we almost broke up....
i was reminded that she was so strong at that time....stronger than ne 1 else...
stronger than me....she has always been stronger.....she always stood for herself...never in her life she gave up....never in her life she ran away from herself..never did she locked her up ...not even at the time of break up.she knew how to move on.....not even in her wildest dreams ....she could think of committing suicide....

we once discussed this....she said obviously no matter hw much is the pain ...hw much is the grief ..this life is always worth living....she just can't do it ...she is meant for living...and all the pains only make her stronger...

and just after that i told her abt a real incident in wich i once saw a new born baby...
i told her that one day just yunhi when i was looking at a baby ..i thought how how he feels.. i mean a baby....he is just so cute...
but at the same time he is so helpless....helpless???yes
he can't move ,,he can't speak,,,he can't express nethng,
he can;t tell u that he is hungry...he can't rise up and eat anything..he just can't do anything..he can't even see properly..what a life??imaging myself to be in his place.,......was really painful....looking at his clenched fists only increased the pain.....
no one can be more helpless than him

but he lives
he lives and raise a new generation
he is what u were
he is everything
he never dies,...
each and every day he learn
he grows he becomes happy
if the most helpless person lives and lives a happy life ???
why can't u??

we both agreed over this and knew that we will never committ this sin


but so did we promised each other that we are not going to fight...
so did we said we won't leave each other
so did we said we will be there for each other ...
so did we promised that we won't break our promises


but we did


no she can't ....she just can't ...\
y she closed the door ??she never did this before...she knew that her mother won't be able to sleep seeing her locked ...she cared for her mom more than she cared for herself....
i called her again .....






someone picked it up and said that she is no more ....










silence silences....








now what ....what 's the use of living ??


i just can't live with this burden ,,..
with this sin of mine...
with this i just can't live..


what to do ???

i want her

i need her


i got the cyanide

and thought of papa ,mummy and bhaiya ,
didi ,all my friends

my eyes were filled with tears ....they just didn't rolled out



they too betrayed me



how can i do this.....


a blurred image came in front of my eyes

my father crying....

my mom too...

so did my bhaiya

....and rest were too obviously

i felt special...
not really
i can't be the reason for tears in their eyes.....


bottle was still their....



and then i felt that


mummy called me....
i could feel her hand through my hair....
my eyes moved towards her......

i didn't wanted to open and face her
....




thank god it was a dream


i just stood up and hugged her very tightly...
in the same way as i did when i got the 12 th class result...
when i dreamt that i got 55%....and told every1 that its 60%in pcm and that 's what matters to me ....i explained every1.....made all the reasons.everything
when suddenly my mom woke me up only to tell me that result aa gya ...

i was like mujhe pta hai aa gya hai .mujhe sone do mujhe pta hai...
i saw her smiling .....she asked kitni % ayi beta..i said jitni ani thi a gyi mujhe sone do.60 hai na pcm ..bas i dnt care..plzzz for god's sake....she and bhaiya were laughing as if they both knew ki main sapne mein kya dekh rha hu...

mummy ko sab pta hota hai hamesha...

i really hugged her so tightly when she told me the result.it was far more than i dreamt....i never felt so satisfied and contended...


and then she said are u ok now???


i said yes


but hey she asked me that ,,...?????what does she mean by now???
kya sab sach mein hua tha .....
????
no ye nhi ho sakta ...
i must have misheard her....


she said i am so sorry for everything
i thought sorry???sorry for what ????
no mom dnt say nethng??
she asked me to tell what happened???


so that was it ........
it was not dream......
it was a reality.......
it was far bitter than earlier.....


dying instantly after that would have been far more better ...
but what now....???
life would be so much painful to live after attempting a suicide....
hell no...i was not able to face myself earlier....
now how this whole world....??


no no no no no no


mom said leave it aram ki zarurat hai tumhe ..tum rest karo ....


she put the blanket over me...and asked me to sleep ......
she left ...i heard some whispers outside my door .....may be mom telling papa about my condition...


i tried to recall everything....
i had plaster on my hand......
that employed that i left the house ...
i met with an accident

haan haan


i convinced myself....
that jab accident hua hoga tab i must have lost all the consciousness...and koi hospital le gya hoga ..and that's it .......she is happy ...
yu hooo she is fine.....


papa came inside then ...
kaise ho beta ..theek hu papa....
papa gave me my fon and said that a girl came and gave it
............

no not again
that means i met her all those things happened ....

watt lag gyi maamu


papa hugged me
and told me mera bahadur beta ....
mera mukul..and i felt him crying......
merA bahadur beta ...i felt what bahadur
i am coward....i ran
i ran away from her
i ran away from all of u
moreover i ran away from myself

i am a coward

yes i am

papa left

i looked the fon
smelled her in it
but

wait a second...
i saw something
there was a note

it said the answer to ur questions is no but what i want is just that u do it if possible...

??????what questions ??????
will u be able to forgive ur self???

ohh my god it happened .

hey bhaggu instalment mein kyu watt laga rhe ho......????
then a fon came....

it was from aditi .....our best friend......
she asked me kaha ho tum???
i am at jaanvi's place....tumhe to yaha hona chahiye tum ghar pe kya kar rhe ho??
kya hua tha kal???
whats wrong??
come now....i said ok

these obsessing obsessions,confusing confusions,tiring tiredness
all these things surrounded me ...
i was reminded of all the happy days that were gone now .
that won't come ever again....
especially i was reminded of my poem obsession




OBSESSION
YET AGAIN like everyday,,,,,
.........I felt you everywhere,
......................but didn't see you anywhere..........

day started like EVERYDAY,,,,,
........I felt you were there ,
.....................but didn't see you anywhere..........

closed my eyes YET AGAIN,,,,,
.......just to see you smile one more time,
....................but this is like everytime..................

prayed to almighty YET AGAIN,,,,,,
........just to feel the rhythm in my heart ,
...................just to ask his grace for you my sweet heart ........

same memories i cherished AGAIN,,,,,,
...........hands in hands AND LAUGHING ,
............and running into the sea together.........

lived that time YET AGAIN ,,,,,,
..........eyes in eyes AND SMILING,
............and promises of being there forever......

remembering those times YET AGAIN,,,,,
...........those sweet smiles,
......................and that cheeky kiss...................

missing those times YET AGAIN,,,,,
..........those fights and all that times ,
....................can't explain how much i miss.......

end of days were always same,,,,,
those smiles,
PAIN,HOPE AND FAITH,
and simply awesome was your gudbye hug.......

.....
i really wanted that gudbye hug
my eyes are filled with tears yet again,,,,
for i am reminded of yesterday again,,,,,,
those tears ,
PAIN,HOPE AND FAITH,
and i want that last gudbye hug........

"this is love story baby just say yes....."""
ohh my fon ringing

hey wait a sec its her tune ......
she is alive


naah its her mom i thought
it must be her mom only ....i was sure
ab kya karu...kal to bahut bol rha tha aunty accident ho gya hai .....ab bol aunty sorry.......bol munna kya bolega...bacha hai ab kuch bolne ko........

i picked it up

jaani pehchani awaz hai....
gusse mein lag rhi hai ....kya karu /??.kya karu??
...hello ......mukul...........
yeah speaking

kaha hai tu ....i wonderd '''''''tu''''itna gussa hai aunty ko, obviously nhi hoga kya ......
kaha hai tujhe yaha bulaya tha na ......ohh aditi thank god .....what thank god she said...??
nothing i am on my way .....coming in a minute......


few minutes later....i knocked on the door.......neha opened......and she seemed shellshocked ...i too felt relaxed ki mummy ne gate nhi khola...thnk god....
she said what the hell..??what happened to u she holded my hand and lovingly said leave it ...we'll talk about it later...i knew why she said it.....??she knew and even i knew what was waiting inside....??i was not able to face anyone....a killing silence was there....a different aura....
i felt scared ....
actually there was no one apart from her ,may be aunty kitchen mein thi ...i didn't understood anything ......

we went directly to her room

and i couldn't beleive my eyes.....

i never imagined it

i thought my eyes were also betraying me....


ohh god please...
don't play games

instalment mein watt mat lagao pleaseeeeee........

i saw her ghost...

angel actually

my angel ,,,my jaanu ,,,ran towards me and hugged me very tightly....
that was my tightest hug.....my loveliest hug......my hug


she was alive.....

i knew it

no i actually i didn't knew it.but what i felt was simply touching..
that was love..

she was crying .very hard
her body was trembling saying sorry continuosly...
her snobbing reminded of papa.....

my longest hug lasted for so long
how long i don't know myself....
we stayed there for a long time feeling each other's heart beats .

apologising with each other
loving each other...
a long silence prevailed for a long time...
but wait what about cyanide and all that ....
uska kya hua ....how i survived??
how she survived ??
someone said she was no more...
the silence scared me...was she asleep in my arms? ....
or she started her journey towards the heaven
nothing she is alive
she is with me ....
no 1 can take her from me...
not even god....

right now i just want my mind to stop working.......
its too much now ...
sachchi yaar itna kyun twist daal rha hu main....

my heart can't take so much of pain


its almost over my friends except for 1 last twist
and thats the one jisse hame hamesha darr lagta tha....



but before that i wanna clear out all my confusions
finally .....
ohhh i got it that was a dream
the dream that started in the hospital....
while waiting for papa i felt asleep....

ohhk i got it now so in this way my wildest dream ended ....
so is my wildest imagination is abt to.......
everything ok now....
ab bas ghar pe bolna hai ki accident hua tha nothing else...
mom tu bechari saara blame khud pe le rhi hai ....unhe bhi pyaar se samjhana hai.....
...
...
...

but the fact is i don't like the happy endings
so i had to break the promise of my happy ending to u .....


haaan to we were there together
holding each other tightly.....
in each other's arm ...
2 souls together ...
the love was complete.....

but


there was a knock on the door ...
no it was not a knock....
door was opened .
.we both were not facing the door..

and the voice said that
kitne time se ho tum dono yaha pe ....
kar kya rhe ho ...
i want to see it...

we were just so scared that it was her mom.

now what ab kya karenge...
everything ended so well
we both didn't spoke a word ...a mere hug said everything...
and what will we tell her

life just became screwed up...
jab lagta hai ki ab sab mil gya
tabhi sab kho jata hai..



and then we felt the hands through our hair...
darr sa lag rha tha
?????ab kya hoga ???????\
but it was aditi


heartattack aa hi gya tha almost

so guys this was the first story of my life ......i hope u liked it/....i liked writing it ....and don't care whether u like it or not.....but would surely love to listen from u .......thnx all for all the patience.....love u all ......see i don't like happy endings but i promised u one .....
so for u i did it...
because i don't like breaking promises either
but i would like u to think over it mummy aa jati to kya hota .........
i thought of naming it HAPPY ENDING,
but it would have made it predictable in the end...so left it......

15 comments:

  1. good one..quite confusing but great actually..it connects me till end..one thought that comes in my mind after reading is like I am reading chetan bhagat's story.
    Great work!
    Great story!
    Great thoughts![:D]

    ReplyDelete
  2. efforts that really deserve a round of applause!!!!!!!!!nice one.really nice.....

    ReplyDelete
  3. said by
    radhika -sahi hai story

    stupid hai

    timepass

    worth laughing

    cute

    hehehehehe

    maza aaya pad ke how crazy n wild sometimes our imagination works?

    azeeb se hai actually


    thodi confusing hai

    but narrator ke sath confuse hone me maza aaya

    ....................
    arslan said-masala hindi movi hai ,maza aya

    ReplyDelete
  4. A really lovely love story...And if you have a love that's anything like that..i envy you, my friend

    ReplyDelete
  5. i read it for d 3rd time......and i was really touched by it...my eyes were filled with tears ....and dats y i wrote it...i really felt that its gud .....

    ReplyDelete
  6. superb plot, n very clear n crisp emotional skilled writing , wid few twists that were not necessary, bt still a gud 1...u hav learned a lot man...congo..

    ReplyDelete
  7. what the fuck is this shit. you fuckin' indians like to snake around no wonder you fuckin' indians understand this. how old are you? 10?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mr anonymous i am glad you spent your precious Malaysian moments on my blog :) Please don't waste your time again by reading or commenting... and go get some identity first

      Delete
    2. and i was 9 years old when i wrote this..!!! you almost guessed it right

      Delete