Sunday, November 22, 2009

never walk away









mummy-beta khanemein kya banau??
me-yellow daal aur chawal...
mummy -tu roz 1 hi cheez bolta hai....fir kehta hai mummy health nhi ba
nti
me-to kya hua itne tym se ghar ka khana jo nhi khaya...
aur aapko nhi banana to pucha kyu...
aap kuch bhi bnao main kha lunga kaha to hai aapko..
..
jaao main nhi khata....i loved these fights..

roz ki tarah aisi hi kisi baat pe lad rha
tha...
then my fon rang....
love story by taylor swift that was the tone that was set for jaanvi
i instantly knew that it was her...that was her favourite song...
ohh her sweet voice always cheered me up...
and knowing that it was her call ....a sweet smile came instantly...


but nothing is permanent.....
all things happen once for the first time
and in her case that day was 2day..
hello mukul....
her voice seemed so much tensed.....
so low ....she was crying i thought...

hey jaanu kya hua ??
she paused for a while
i again asked kya hua jaanu btao plz...
u der...
yeah
some guys are troubling me....

where are u?
in the park ..she said

try to avoid ..be calm ..have patience..
i'll be there for u in 5 min..
don't worry i am leaving now...

mummy mujhe khana nhi khana...aap khalo ...
main ja rha hu bye .......
mom-kaha ja rha hai beta ....khana to khake ja....ban gye hai tere dal chawal..
khane se nhi ruthte kitni baar kaha hai tujhe....nhi khana abhi jana hai bye..

mukul......... mukul.........
.voices dissappeared....

i called ashu instantly while running....
ashu bhai i need help..i am in trouble ....urgently...now ...can't expla
in......
just come to park..call evryone u knw....come fast ...i am on my way....
disconneted

i called many of my friends living nearby.....
and asked them to come too...many of them never beleived me in these situations because i am a real prankster..but today everyone agreed to come
..dnt knw why..may be because they were my friends ..and sensed that i really need help...i was running faster than i evr runned in my life...
i never ran that faster...never in a race..never away from anyone...

may be running towards love is far more better
than running away from ur fears
thats so obvious nothing is more than ur love
love is life

its so obvious to run faster to get ur life rather than saving ur life
.

neways i was running really fast...faster than i ever could..as i told earlier also
never in my life trees and traffic passed so quickly..
i was literally flying ...and with that all things around me too..
all sounds seemed so strange...seemed so loud...
really annoying..more irritating than mo
ving heavy iron benches..
my mind was fully occupied with her...
i couldn't smell anything...couldn't even breath properly.....
noise were like as if someone was waking u up by playing a really irritating instrument.......

the blood never tasted like that.....

suddenly i realised that i have met with an accident .....
waah bhagwan aaj hi maarna tha
but for her i can fight with anyone....
even u god.even myself........
immediately i stood up ...ignoring all the dust
ignoring all the pain....
ignoring all the blood ...

i stood up ,,almost came back to my senses...
only to listen that saale itna hi bhagna hai to olympic mein ja....
marne ka itna hi shauk hai to kahin aur jaake marr ...mere aage kyun marr rha hai

and it went on..

i imstantly grabbed his collar...told him
if i am not saying anything that doesn't mean that i can't say nethng...
u better shut up and told him that watever u r riding has brakes..
and they are meant to be applied at the ryt moment....
while saying this i sat behind him and
asked him to leave me to the my destination...being afraid of me....and the crowd that started gathering around us.he started his bike and i reached my destination....
i said thank u and started searching her.......

what the hell ...this park never seemed so big...
seemed as if it was a .maze,a bhool bhulaiya...
seemed as if i was in a jungle.....and i was searching for a special tree....

i was running and heard her voice....

mukul

i stopped and turned around....

i couldn't beleive this....

what? how?where?why??

each and every question surrounded me..........

i breathed for a while...my hands on my knees almost bent down completely..
and i felt so tired ....so exahausted.....couldn't dare to look at her .....

actually i didn't wanted to look her at that tym......
really i loved her ....i love her smiles..

i loved her laughter ......
but at that time i just didn
't wanted to face her....


she was standing their alone




but




for my surprise she was smiling.....
laughing actually....


it was joke ....


not on me .....??
who else then??


i didn't mind it all
after all she was my jaanu
because her smiles were all that mattered to me.
i went closer....looked into her eyes ....
i was drowned ....
she was just laughing and laughing....
i loved her laughter...
i loved her bubbliness... i came to knew that i 'll remain happy with her forever
and as soon as she noticed me ..
all her smiles ....all her laughs....all the charm ......all that i was loving at that time vanished in not more than a second......

she came closer to me ....she looked at me ...she almost started crying..
she was like why do u love me so much???
what happened???she was just so afraid of all that blood....
and the hand of mine that she holded was swollen ....
it was fracture i realised it when she holded it .....
but i loved the way she did ....
i just couldn't resist the touch....
alll the pain started vanishing ....and at the same time was hurting like hell
my heart felt broken
i felt shattered within myself.
she said i am sorry....she kept on saying sorry.....she was saying all those things that i never wanted to hear from her.....i just felt like running away ..
i just wanted to ask her y?

it happens to all of us many times when someone asks us not to cry ...
u feel more like crying...u feel more broken....tears roll out more easily...and with the flow that is simply unstoppable....

something like that happened to me to...

except for tears .........
something happened to me
all the linkin park song started playing in my head ...
the one in which they scream especially.....

be it runaway ....
pushing me away....
numb...
they all were going on in my mind
each and every negativity surrounded me

can't u see that u r smothering me??
i wanna runaway??
why i never walked awy??
leave me alone??

but there was a sweet little avril whose voice came from within too

no not the one who is complicated

but the one who wanted me to be with her.
who wanted me to stay
who never wanted me to go away
who wanted me to hold on ......
who just wanted to hold my hand
forever and always
who just wanted me to stay

she was constantly asking for apology....
obviously as i told i was not hurt
not really xactly,but to be true
i was,
though it was ok

i said something that left a deep impact over me ..
and i feel ki she too must have felt that way too...

I'LL FORGIVE U
I HAVE FORGIVEN
I'LL FORGET
I HAD FORGOTTEN

BUT

WILL U BE ABLE TO FORGET??
WILL U BE ABLE TO FORGIVE URSELF??

I DON'T KNOW Y BUT those words HURTED ME LIKE HELL
y i said ??how could i ???
i never meant what i said

but i did

and gave my fon to her
and asked her to tell every1 that its ok now ..
everything perfectly ok now

i went back
i left her .....i left her alone.....i left her
i left her crying
i needed time
wanted to be alone for sometime
i ran back at much more faster rate


with each and every step i felt as if i am going thousand miles awy from her
but i kept on running
alone


my steps guided my head..
mujhe nhi pta tha main kisse bhaag rha hu??
kyu aur kaha ....?
nthng i knew

i went straight to the hospital......
called my dad and asked him to come...
i told him that frnd of mine has met with an accident and i need help...
obviously i couldn't tell the truth...
that it was me who has met with an accident..bekaar mein tension ho jati unhe...
so it was better to call him and tell him later on what has happened...while i was waiting for him ...i thought of calling jaanvi...i called her from the pco..as my fon was with her..i called her up but she didn't picked it up..i called her on the landline and her mom picked it up...i was a bit nervous but she knew that i was just a friend..she said jabse ayi hai ro rhi hai ....room se bhi nhi nikal rhi ..na hi gate((room ke door ko darwaza kehte hai,aur main door ko gate,ye mujhe nhi pta tha thnx richa didi)) khol rhi hai so se was not opening her room's door(its ok now didi?)...she asked me whats the matter....ab kya bolu aunty senti sa dialogue maara tha??obviously puri baat to nhi bta sakta...i just told her i hav met with an accident and she must be upset for me only...she reluctantly accepted that that was the reason ..haan kyun nhi tere accident pe itna royegi na vo...still she beleived me...she asked me to take care...and the conversation ended..

i sat on the hospital chair ...waiting for papa...while waiting i came across my wildest imagination..my worst nightmare...
i never dared to think of that ....whenever something of that kind occurred i tried to avoid it....what it was???
i just thought of the time when we almost broke up....
i was reminded that she was so strong at that time....stronger than ne 1 else...
stronger than me....she has always been stronger.....she always stood for herself...never in her life she gave up....never in her life she ran away from herself..never did she locked her up ...not even at the time of break up.she knew how to move on.....not even in her wildest dreams ....she could think of committing suicide....

we once discussed this....she said obviously no matter hw much is the pain ...hw much is the grief ..this life is always worth living....she just can't do it ...she is meant for living...and all the pains only make her stronger...

and just after that i told her abt a real incident in wich i once saw a new born baby...
i told her that one day just yunhi when i was looking at a baby ..i thought how how he feels.. i mean a baby....he is just so cute...
but at the same time he is so helpless....helpless???yes
he can't move ,,he can't speak,,,he can't express nethng,
he can;t tell u that he is hungry...he can't rise up and eat anything..he just can't do anything..he can't even see properly..what a life??imaging myself to be in his place.,......was really painful....looking at his clenched fists only increased the pain.....
no one can be more helpless than him

but he lives
he lives and raise a new generation
he is what u were
he is everything
he never dies,...
each and every day he learn
he grows he becomes happy
if the most helpless person lives and lives a happy life ???
why can't u??

we both agreed over this and knew that we will never committ this sin


but so did we promised each other that we are not going to fight...
so did we said we won't leave each other
so did we said we will be there for each other ...
so did we promised that we won't break our promises


but we did


no she can't ....she just can't ...\
y she closed the door ??she never did this before...she knew that her mother won't be able to sleep seeing her locked ...she cared for her mom more than she cared for herself....
i called her again .....






someone picked it up and said that she is no more ....










silence silences....








now what ....what 's the use of living ??


i just can't live with this burden ,,..
with this sin of mine...
with this i just can't live..


what to do ???

i want her

i need her


i got the cyanide

and thought of papa ,mummy and bhaiya ,
didi ,all my friends

my eyes were filled with tears ....they just didn't rolled out



they too betrayed me



how can i do this.....


a blurred image came in front of my eyes

my father crying....

my mom too...

so did my bhaiya

....and rest were too obviously

i felt special...
not really
i can't be the reason for tears in their eyes.....


bottle was still their....



and then i felt that


mummy called me....
i could feel her hand through my hair....
my eyes moved towards her......

i didn't wanted to open and face her
....




thank god it was a dream


i just stood up and hugged her very tightly...
in the same way as i did when i got the 12 th class result...
when i dreamt that i got 55%....and told every1 that its 60%in pcm and that 's what matters to me ....i explained every1.....made all the reasons.everything
when suddenly my mom woke me up only to tell me that result aa gya ...

i was like mujhe pta hai aa gya hai .mujhe sone do mujhe pta hai...
i saw her smiling .....she asked kitni % ayi beta..i said jitni ani thi a gyi mujhe sone do.60 hai na pcm ..bas i dnt care..plzzz for god's sake....she and bhaiya were laughing as if they both knew ki main sapne mein kya dekh rha hu...

mummy ko sab pta hota hai hamesha...

i really hugged her so tightly when she told me the result.it was far more than i dreamt....i never felt so satisfied and contended...


and then she said are u ok now???


i said yes


but hey she asked me that ,,...?????what does she mean by now???
kya sab sach mein hua tha .....
????
no ye nhi ho sakta ...
i must have misheard her....


she said i am so sorry for everything
i thought sorry???sorry for what ????
no mom dnt say nethng??
she asked me to tell what happened???


so that was it ........
it was not dream......
it was a reality.......
it was far bitter than earlier.....


dying instantly after that would have been far more better ...
but what now....???
life would be so much painful to live after attempting a suicide....
hell no...i was not able to face myself earlier....
now how this whole world....??


no no no no no no


mom said leave it aram ki zarurat hai tumhe ..tum rest karo ....


she put the blanket over me...and asked me to sleep ......
she left ...i heard some whispers outside my door .....may be mom telling papa about my condition...


i tried to recall everything....
i had plaster on my hand......
that employed that i left the house ...
i met with an accident

haan haan


i convinced myself....
that jab accident hua hoga tab i must have lost all the consciousness...and koi hospital le gya hoga ..and that's it .......she is happy ...
yu hooo she is fine.....


papa came inside then ...
kaise ho beta ..theek hu papa....
papa gave me my fon and said that a girl came and gave it
............

no not again
that means i met her all those things happened ....

watt lag gyi maamu


papa hugged me
and told me mera bahadur beta ....
mera mukul..and i felt him crying......
merA bahadur beta ...i felt what bahadur
i am coward....i ran
i ran away from her
i ran away from all of u
moreover i ran away from myself

i am a coward

yes i am

papa left

i looked the fon
smelled her in it
but

wait a second...
i saw something
there was a note

it said the answer to ur questions is no but what i want is just that u do it if possible...

??????what questions ??????
will u be able to forgive ur self???

ohh my god it happened .

hey bhaggu instalment mein kyu watt laga rhe ho......????
then a fon came....

it was from aditi .....our best friend......
she asked me kaha ho tum???
i am at jaanvi's place....tumhe to yaha hona chahiye tum ghar pe kya kar rhe ho??
kya hua tha kal???
whats wrong??
come now....i said ok

these obsessing obsessions,confusing confusions,tiring tiredness
all these things surrounded me ...
i was reminded of all the happy days that were gone now .
that won't come ever again....
especially i was reminded of my poem obsession




OBSESSION
YET AGAIN like everyday,,,,,
.........I felt you everywhere,
......................but didn't see you anywhere..........

day started like EVERYDAY,,,,,
........I felt you were there ,
.....................but didn't see you anywhere..........

closed my eyes YET AGAIN,,,,,
.......just to see you smile one more time,
....................but this is like everytime..................

prayed to almighty YET AGAIN,,,,,,
........just to feel the rhythm in my heart ,
...................just to ask his grace for you my sweet heart ........

same memories i cherished AGAIN,,,,,,
...........hands in hands AND LAUGHING ,
............and running into the sea together.........

lived that time YET AGAIN ,,,,,,
..........eyes in eyes AND SMILING,
............and promises of being there forever......

remembering those times YET AGAIN,,,,,
...........those sweet smiles,
......................and that cheeky kiss...................

missing those times YET AGAIN,,,,,
..........those fights and all that times ,
....................can't explain how much i miss.......

end of days were always same,,,,,
those smiles,
PAIN,HOPE AND FAITH,
and simply awesome was your gudbye hug.......

.....
i really wanted that gudbye hug
my eyes are filled with tears yet again,,,,
for i am reminded of yesterday again,,,,,,
those tears ,
PAIN,HOPE AND FAITH,
and i want that last gudbye hug........

"this is love story baby just say yes....."""
ohh my fon ringing

hey wait a sec its her tune ......
she is alive


naah its her mom i thought
it must be her mom only ....i was sure
ab kya karu...kal to bahut bol rha tha aunty accident ho gya hai .....ab bol aunty sorry.......bol munna kya bolega...bacha hai ab kuch bolne ko........

i picked it up

jaani pehchani awaz hai....
gusse mein lag rhi hai ....kya karu /??.kya karu??
...hello ......mukul...........
yeah speaking

kaha hai tu ....i wonderd '''''''tu''''itna gussa hai aunty ko, obviously nhi hoga kya ......
kaha hai tujhe yaha bulaya tha na ......ohh aditi thank god .....what thank god she said...??
nothing i am on my way .....coming in a minute......


few minutes later....i knocked on the door.......neha opened......and she seemed shellshocked ...i too felt relaxed ki mummy ne gate nhi khola...thnk god....
she said what the hell..??what happened to u she holded my hand and lovingly said leave it ...we'll talk about it later...i knew why she said it.....??she knew and even i knew what was waiting inside....??i was not able to face anyone....a killing silence was there....a different aura....
i felt scared ....
actually there was no one apart from her ,may be aunty kitchen mein thi ...i didn't understood anything ......

we went directly to her room

and i couldn't beleive my eyes.....

i never imagined it

i thought my eyes were also betraying me....


ohh god please...
don't play games

instalment mein watt mat lagao pleaseeeeee........

i saw her ghost...

angel actually

my angel ,,,my jaanu ,,,ran towards me and hugged me very tightly....
that was my tightest hug.....my loveliest hug......my hug


she was alive.....

i knew it

no i actually i didn't knew it.but what i felt was simply touching..
that was love..

she was crying .very hard
her body was trembling saying sorry continuosly...
her snobbing reminded of papa.....

my longest hug lasted for so long
how long i don't know myself....
we stayed there for a long time feeling each other's heart beats .

apologising with each other
loving each other...
a long silence prevailed for a long time...
but wait what about cyanide and all that ....
uska kya hua ....how i survived??
how she survived ??
someone said she was no more...
the silence scared me...was she asleep in my arms? ....
or she started her journey towards the heaven
nothing she is alive
she is with me ....
no 1 can take her from me...
not even god....

right now i just want my mind to stop working.......
its too much now ...
sachchi yaar itna kyun twist daal rha hu main....

my heart can't take so much of pain


its almost over my friends except for 1 last twist
and thats the one jisse hame hamesha darr lagta tha....



but before that i wanna clear out all my confusions
finally .....
ohhh i got it that was a dream
the dream that started in the hospital....
while waiting for papa i felt asleep....

ohhk i got it now so in this way my wildest dream ended ....
so is my wildest imagination is abt to.......
everything ok now....
ab bas ghar pe bolna hai ki accident hua tha nothing else...
mom tu bechari saara blame khud pe le rhi hai ....unhe bhi pyaar se samjhana hai.....
...
...
...

but the fact is i don't like the happy endings
so i had to break the promise of my happy ending to u .....


haaan to we were there together
holding each other tightly.....
in each other's arm ...
2 souls together ...
the love was complete.....

but


there was a knock on the door ...
no it was not a knock....
door was opened .
.we both were not facing the door..

and the voice said that
kitne time se ho tum dono yaha pe ....
kar kya rhe ho ...
i want to see it...

we were just so scared that it was her mom.

now what ab kya karenge...
everything ended so well
we both didn't spoke a word ...a mere hug said everything...
and what will we tell her

life just became screwed up...
jab lagta hai ki ab sab mil gya
tabhi sab kho jata hai..



and then we felt the hands through our hair...
darr sa lag rha tha
?????ab kya hoga ???????\
but it was aditi


heartattack aa hi gya tha almost

so guys this was the first story of my life ......i hope u liked it/....i liked writing it ....and don't care whether u like it or not.....but would surely love to listen from u .......thnx all for all the patience.....love u all ......see i don't like happy endings but i promised u one .....
so for u i did it...
because i don't like breaking promises either
but i would like u to think over it mummy aa jati to kya hota .........
i thought of naming it HAPPY ENDING,
but it would have made it predictable in the end...so left it......

there will be a happy ending

before starting this one i just wanna tell everyone..that i couldn't devote more than 10 min to thi post .......aisa maine 5 50 pe socha tha ...aur jab tak i switched my lappie on ....and checkd the mails and scraps.10 min ho gye....aisa aksar hota hai ...especially xams mein.....jab bhi 4,5,6,7,8,bajne vale hote hai tabhi saare ulte kaam yaad ate hai ....jaise gaane sunna ,scraps check krna.aur hum khud ko 10 min break lene ke liye convince kar bhi lete hai....mera case to diff hai 10 min sochta hu 1 ghante ke baad realise hota hai 10 min khatm ho gye ..but ye chanchal mann fir 10 min maangta hai......neways ye sab baad mein.....because i wanna tell u all something.....

I LOVE EXAMS..............

YES
REALLY


AND I AM PERFECTLY ALLRIGHT.......

NO NOT BECAUSE I AM A GEEK .....OR I LIKE STUDIES......

because xam time pe hi mera sab kuch karne ka mann krta hai ......everything .....that will make me happy.......

moreover i realise what i really wanna do ...i come to know about things that please me.....when i tell myself bas ye xam khatm ho fir khul ke jeeunga....ye karunga vo karunga.......and everything........8 min ho gye........and is tym pe intzar krna bhi achha lagta hai.....vaise i hate waiting a lot..especially for time to pass.but xam ke khatm hone ka intzar is just awesome.............

but ye sab likhne ke liye i am not here


i just wanna tell..that i couldn't wait to write my next blog........
i always wanted to read something like that .......but i never knew i'll write something like dat 1 day.........i just can't wait to write that...........but i had to wait for a day ......just because i hav a stupid end sem xam tomorrow.........these f**king xams....no i love them because my best imaginations come out only during xams........12 min ho gye........
koi nhi atleast 1 ghanta to nhi hua.......

i couldn't wait to write it tomorrow.......finally i am going to write it tomorrow....
but what if tomorrow nhi aya to ......
badiya hai nhi aya to .....xam nhi hoga.......no iam serious nhi aya to........ayega main launga ......kal ka suraj pakka ugega......but .........but ..........but agar main bhool gya kya likhna hai to?????????nhi aisa bhi nhi hoga ......i thnk so....i mean koi achhi line miss ho gyi to ....nhi hogi.......

i really couldn't wait,,..........the name of it would be HAPPY ENDING...........TILL NOW TO yahi socha hai ,,,,,lets c.........hey every1 plz wait for it too.....yes ......18 min mein hi ho gya.best of luck for xam .......to me

Friday, November 20, 2009

mukul v/s mukul

Before I start I would like to clear out one thing that it has nothing to do with my orkut title me v/s me
hmmmm
I really don't know from where should i start.....should i start it from the beginning..??
should i tell what all good things we shared ....whoever is reading wat do u think??
leave it ...stop thinking,i hav already started it

its my world and i am going to do it in my own way.
so let us start it...............
its of importance for only 2 people,
me and mukul
and all others won't be able to know what was it about....actually u would know but its something that only we would be able to feel it from the core of our heart so........ .let me not start it from between , i wanted o start it from mid and show u the flash back later on.......
because its like that only,,,,,,its life....u never know what's the importance of a thing ,,,until and unless u r far from it u 'll realise its true importance only when its gone....be it love ,friendship,ur childhood or be it whatever.......
so now acc to my friend it was 14 th october ,,,[who thinks he is not able to remember dates ,especially imp occations],,
but he remembered this particular date this year ,and even reminded me of that and since he remembered it ,it must be of great importance to him ,,,,
till then(when all that i am going to tell what happened)
it was just another day
not actually it 's sumedh's birthday ....now that i am writing it i doubt it .......that it was 14th
i generally don't forget dates,,especially birthdays ...sorry contradiction this year only i forgot abhishek's birthday(12th oct)so its possible that i am wrong...bcz he don't remember dates and since he remembered,i think he must be ryt
ohh did i forgot something ???did i mention the names ???did i mentioned the starcast ??/the heroes ???guest appearances??
yes i did forgot???
should i make it confusing....???
should i make it complicated by introducing names???
will i.....???
no i won't because they are ......((((((actually)))kisi ki yaad ayi ????this ques goes to u momin)))
and at this point of time i am reminded of u radhika.....bcz i thnk i am not saying properly....i think i am twisting it a lot.......same thing that i always do acc to u
...ok yaar i stop but i am really reminded of myself especially one thing that radhika used to say a lot...the coin philosophy
that my way of talking is like flipping a coin in the air and and asking the other person to assume himsef wat will come....and i am not going to tell myself...
i think this mukul will be missed......hey not bcz i am going to say everythng straight...but bcz i am going to twist a lot
and won't tell many things also
bcz i don't knw myself....about them
achha bahut hui bakwaas ,,,,how can i ???it was a serious thing and how can i use it like this ....sorry mukul...
ok
let me apologise to begin with,
let me apologise for what i am about to say,
let me apologise for everything that is not correct here
let me apologise for every wrong that i have done
,...plz tell where i am wrong.......wHATEVER
i don't know how i was caught up in between in this situation??
so its about me and mukul
???
confused
i am mukul raisinghani and he was (is) mukul bhardwaj aka mukul1 and mukul2 respectively
me-mukul 1 and he mukul2
for him either i'll use mukul only or he
so it started like this mukul shake peene chal rha hai...that was said by him
i was studying (shayad)
haan chalte hai.....chal..
abe koi ladki nhi hai bahar itna taiyaar hone ki zarurat nhi hai ..i said this to him
...
he took the keys from dhruv aka je baat .....((i doubt it yaar uska bday 15th oct ko ata hai ..and we celebrated it together)))i want u to think for the date again
ok leave the dates on 1 side.because i got 98 marks in sst which were of no use
keys of cycle not a byk...i had mine ...he didn't purchased the cycle ...bcz he didn't liked going to class on cycle....style maarna hota tha use.....
so we started the journey
the journey towards the end of the road.......journey to the tea stall.....shake peene gye thhe na ....ohh watever ...he said i want to go to the atm
i said ok ....he came out ...of the atm ....i looked at the watch and said ohh 11 ;30[ ....obviously dnt remember it xactly]...shop must be closed..i said.
he said that he knew it.......
and i don't knw wat i thought .....????i don't even remember whether if something kind of this happened???i really don't know what xactly happened at that point of time really???but what hurts is why it happened??
i just took my bicycle and started riding alone.....i wanna make one thing clear its not a justification of my fault ...its not an explanation of nethng..its something i rememberi just don't knw why i felt that i was wasting my time.....may be main pehle se hi soch rha tha ki hum bahut tym waste karne lage hai aajkal....
i just don't know
realy
i just don't know was it reallly the reason y i walked backkkk.....and if that was the reason.then f**k off to these studies,.... ....f**k off to evrythng related to the time management.f**k off to everything ....
everythng means everythng(that i don't like obviously)
what i knew is just that i walked back......ran actually......no i was on bicycle and rided as fast as i could....i don't knw y at that tym ...i felt the urge to study.....y xactly at that tym....was it universal conspiracy or something....and if it was it succeeded. what xactly went wrong??.......usne kya galat kiya tha .??
........nothing absolutely nothing......
i came back without any reason.......
AAAAALLLLLOOOOOONEEEEEE
i made to people alone at that time
and now it begins (((actually))))

i came back ................scene over

now black and white
flash back
can't start from the beginning days yaar there are so many things that i can add but let it remain an apology only....how i can add moments of 3 years in only 1 blog.how??remember we were caught exchanging sheets.....my first night out in cafe....late night visits to coffee house....chalo leave them
let me start from the 13 th ((manhoos sankhya))
we took the connected rooms on rent obviously in the same house
joined the same institutes ,,,everything we did intentionally....nothing was coincidence
3 subjects 4 classes daily 3 different locations...we used to go there together
agar common sense hogi to u can imagine classes ,dinner,studies,gossip.....we were like brothers
connected door between the rooms was never closed....and he never he used his gate to go out...aalsi saala.....kehta tha chabi nhi sambhalti.....hamesha we used to go out together and always my gate was used.....i used to lock it most of the times...and sometimes he performed that task too.......but with a naughty smile used to give me the keys
.......
so the point is that
........
that tym also we went out from my room ..and his room was locked from inside........
so a it was a difficult situation for him to face....he didn't knew what to do??.........he didn't knew what went wrong.....??
but something happened
i knew he was not going to enter through my room. ...he was like that
he didn't knocked either ..what i did was opened his room from inside and started studying(trying to study as usual) especially when filled with sense of guilt i just can't do anything)
i don't know when he came, when i opened the door ?.when he checkd his door?? .may be he came before i opened it ....so even if he would have checkd he must have found it closedobviously he didnt came to me....
neither checkd the door again
he went straight up to the terrace.....don't what he did their......i have no idea either...may be he cried.......may be he wondered what went wrong.......gussa to bahut hua hoga
then shashank came crying for his keys.he asked where is mukul2. i said u came from his room ..he must be in his room only..he said he is not their
i suggested to search in terrace.......he was there
dhingra came back and askd what happened.he said mukul was angry and threw his keys......i said nothing.....and just avoided saying anythng at that tym
somehow night passed .i didnt went to sleep till his light was closed..he came down and closed his light and went straight to sleep i too must have slept....

then came the morning ...
strange for every1...
for aunty and didi,
for dhruv an shashank......every1
changes- we stopped talking.....separate locks for each door
we went out alone.....came alone....sometimes together side by side.but with a cold war going on u can imagine..........
piyush used to come with us ,,,he was confused wat happened.??....what to do ????kiske sath jau???really difficult for him too.......bechara...
we used to eat food together while gossipping,,,then used to go out almost everyday for tea or egg......
trust me food never tasted that bad in kota...nothing seemed that bad .....in 13 th i was almost cutoff with every1 no frnds were in touch either.....especially from delhi except parul......we rarely needed any frnd in kota in 13 th bcz tym hi nhi hota tha for nethng
we both were literally alone .may be he was in touch with prakhar and his a3 company.......but i was almost cut off from every1 xcept family...and cut off was the requirement in kota ....dat doesnt matter
so i was telling nothing ever seemed that bad\
absolutely nthng
for me the most difficult thing is to live with guilt.i just cant live...i just feel suffocated when i knw that i did something wrong........i just cant really.....
but i just thought it happened for good......a fake consolation
it was good now ,we are not going to waste that much tym......we both will be able to study properly.........we too tried i saw that in classes but not xactly....we didnt
we were just not happy being apart....we were just obsessed with the war......aunty being elder understood the problem she used to tell us that concentrate on studies aur may be it is good for both of u
but it was not ...i told this to parul....she was like go now say sorry....else i wont talk ..she forced me to go then only,cut the fon and talk with me only aftr it gets sorted out i convinced her though that i can't talk ,may be it was in our favour only,and told her that he is sitting with frnds .....aur sahi mein friend ke sath tha bhiiiiii tab........
so time passed
its a natural tendecy the songs remind us of the situation that happened when we used to listene to them.....for eg songs of aksar may remind all of us of the time of 10 th class
i used to hear songs of boondh at that tym

especially sajni slow version.......whose lyrics go like this khaafa to hum bhi hai ,tum bhi ho.....kare to fir kya kare.........and many more lines that suited our situation ........
but even now when i hear it ,the same emptiness,same aura ,same negativity,same regrets ,,xactly same....surrounds me
i never wanted that to happen .......i thought of coming to u and say it myself before the fight .....that we shouldn't waste so much time...but i don't knw y?? y i cudnt say?? .....before i cud say all this happened.......
\i remember all the lonley rides to the teastall.....all the lonley walks to the class......sitting lonely in the classes......no 1 ever knew what happened between us ......na hi hame khud ko pata tha
'je baat' ko to maine ye kaha tha its bcz of a girl.....
but we were meant to be frnds
how long could we stay apart
after all we shared the same name too
evrythng ended soon \
before we went back home on diwali
and as i promised parul that ane se pehle sab theek karke hi aaunga
i just don't know how u felt
u mst hav felt betrayed,alone,shattered............??
everythng wrong bcz of me
ur stdies mst hav been affected too
i knw they were affected
u just cant study when u r nt happy
i did it ,how can i???hw can i be so selfish???so mean???hw can i????i dont knw tumne maaf kaise kiya??agar koi aur hota to i thnk u mst hav reacted differently...may be
vaise main bhi hota to main bhi forgive kar deta sachchi....
i don't even now whether i deserved that apology
i must hav done something good
for which i was rewarded with my frnd back\
sach mein kuch achha zarur kiya hoga jo u forgived me......y u forgived ???i was so wrong......i came back ...left u alone
i wish i could change it.......and it cant be 14th yaar ....as 15 th was dhruv's bday.....let us suppose it was 14th and 28 th was diwali...
and we got around 8 days holidays .
so we fighted for around 7 days ......and u won't beleive those days passed very slowly.they almost never passed ....they lasted for so long....really yaar aisa laga pta nhi kitna
tym alag rhe
but really thankful to u for forgiving and being there with me......
aur ending to pta hi hai
we studied ,we roamed,,we talked for hours,,bina soye bina padhe chai peene jaana,,,talking about all the stupid thngs
shishir mittal ko gaali bakna ,
nv ko yaad karna,aur mimicry karna especially sps ki..bataiye mr bhardwaj jo hai xam time mein blog padh rhe hai .......aur bataiye mr raisinghani jo hai vo bhi xam tym mein raat bhar baith ke likh rhe hai.....abe raamlaal
and especially rhythm dreams
.that too was a memory to be cherished ...
and i wud lyk to tell u 1 thng abt her
that she was just a frnd of momin
unnecessarily we spoilt our mood
..........will cherish all those lovely moments forever,,,they are endless and all can't be mentioned here ...write your comments please i wanna know from u too.........take care of urself......all the best for ur future ..........sorry thanks and all that seems to be formalities now.........would love to read something in a comment soon......